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And, because everyone's experience of reality is based on their perception and interpretation of their situation, theoretically, if something cannot be changed, at least one's experience of it can be."  It really is possible to change -- to improve one's self, to increase self-control. It's a wonderfully empowering experience to feel yourself conquer a problem -- to feel yourself able to exert self-control, conquer bad habits and improve your experience of life. And the more you've wanted to change something and the more you've been hassled by not being able to, the more empowering it feels. Just as any monkey might accidentally write a short story when playing with a typewriter, anyone might accidentaly self-improve by just floundering around randomly in life.
self-improvement: fears about, resistance to The idea -- that you can actually achieve the ability to increase self-control and that you actually can engage in self improvement -- is scary. It's especially scary if you haven't had much experience seeing yourself as someone who has an ability to grow and improve. Its scary to think of changing one's self-image. It's scary to change to a different way of doing things. It's scary to think of giving up the advantages inherent to seeing one's self as unable to self-control or self-improve. If you see yourself as helpless, you don't have to feel responsible for anything -- you can pretty much blame everything on everyone else, on elements, on happenstance. ("Oh, well, just the way it is...") It's scary to think that maybe you'll just end up feeling even more responsible for self-changing but still be just as unable to. It's scary to think you might end up with a bunch of pressure on yourself that hurts more than helps. Also, sometimes its scary to do things better because one feels that his or her hopelessness and screwed-up-ness are important to a dedicated life of making some parent or some other significant other feel badly. Stone-washed blue genes. On top of the many other reasons why it's tough to embrace the idea of change, some folks deal with life with a handicap that has been handed down through the generations -- either through genes or through modeling and advice, or both. The handicap is a feeling that it's important and proper to see the world in an unhappy, negative manner. Some people are very uncomfortable with the idea of being happy, of being positive, or of looking forward to things -- some actually think it is bad luck and some just feel uncomfortable without really understanding why. Anyone in this category is really swimming against strong currents if they try to change things so they can be happier -- unless they first decide that 1) they can give themselves permission to be happier, and 2) they can face the initial anxiousness that they'll experience until they get used to the changes they make. There's a hundred reasons it's scary! It's scary. It's scary and because it's scary, it's wise to acknowledge that it's scary. If you realize somebody is already scared, you might decide that any tactics that increase their scare is probably going to be counter-productive. It's wise to understand that changing involves changing something that one's mind and one's body have seen for many years as a good idea. Knowing that makes it easier to strategize. And the most likely strategy is to encourage with soothing, not fears. self-improvement can make things more complicated: everything has a price tag. There are several complications to working on and sustaining self-improvement and increased self-control. Self-improvement may be more likely to happen if a person can be effective at the task of balancing 1) the idea that he or she can possibly change something with 2) the fact that he or she isn't all-powerful and is very, very likely to have to accept less than 100% of the change he or she might wish for. The only way to get everything you wish for in life is to be really careful about what and how much you wish for, and avoid wishing for something you aren't sure you can get. [Here's an interesting trick, if you can do it: On the one hand, you can take the per-spective that you are just a reacting leaf in the wind with no real ability to change anything, and you will find all sorts of data to confirm this. There may even be times when the I-can't-control-it perspective is a good perspective to look at things from. On the other hand, you can see things from the perspective that says it is possible to change pretty much anything -- at least a little -- either outside one's self or inside. There are lots of times when the I-can perspective is best -- probably much of the time. Since either perspective can be supported by the data life hands us, is it two-faced to switch to whatever perspective seems most advantageous at the time? And is it wrong to do what is most advantageous for one's self? If so, why and when?] Self-improvement is most likely to be sustained if a person can accept the fact that everything has a price tag and self-improving is no exception. Being able to effect any degree of self-improvement is power. It's the power to improve one's own life. It's not easier to have more power, its harder. Its complicated and it requires constantly (or as near as possible) keeping an eye on one's own thinking and feeling. Not only do you have to do work to attain greater personal power, you have to work at maintaining it. And on top of that you give up the ease and comfort of being able to blame bad situations on everybody and everything else. Its a bit like having a car or electricity in your home. The better you remember the things that maintain the car and the electricity, the more you can rely on them being there when you want to take advantage of them. And the faster and the better you catch and fix malfunctions, the less inconvenience to your life. good boss vs. bad boss being It's wise to understand that humans do better when not whipped and chastised. Any boss that has an employee that hasn't been doing well will only decrease their performance with negativity and harrassment. Any employee with a crappy boss will only increase problems by being resentful, sullen and sabotaging. Generally speaking, things go best for us all when we are praised and/or otherwise rewarded for our successes -- even the little ones, even the partial ones -- and when our mistakes are acknowledged but forgiven.
Another little tid-bit of self-help trivia: self-punishment can dumb you up. A funny little quirk of punishment is that it works on whatever happens at the same moment or at the moment just before the punishment is applied. It may also work on whatever you intend it to work on that happened some time earlier (e.g., "You're grounded today for breaking that window yesterday.") -- but that part depends on understanding. This all makes self-punishment a little tricky. In punishing someone else (say, for example, a puppy) you first become aware of the negative behavior (for example, pooping on the carpet) and then you apply the punishment (e.g., you scare him by yelling and rushing him outside to the yard). In this example, if it's been 5 minutes since the puppy pooped and he was playing quietly with a toy when you yelled, you mostly just punished playing quietly. On the other hand, if he had just been starting his little deposit when you yelled, you've made it much less likely that he'll feel comfortable relieving himself in the house in the future. As far as you and your puppy go, he's smarter for the experience. Here's the problem and why it's much trickier to self-punish without making yourself dumber instead of smarter: In the case of self-punishment, the awareness of the negative behavior that you want to punish -- awareness being the first step in any administration of punishment -- is actually the behavior that is most closely connected to the punishment and is therefore punished. Self-punishment ends up punishing self-awareness. Reducing awareness is not the path to enlightenment and wisdom. It's the path to dumb and dumber. Plus, because the self-punishment can seem like one is taking care of business -- AND because it reduces awareness of negatives -- self-punishing is actually a little rewarding! So a person is punishing awareness and rewarding him- or herself for doing so -- and thus self-punishment (self-dumbishment) tends to increase. behavior modification for fun and profit. Things may be different on other planets, but on this planet there are three basic behavior modification strategies and they work pretty much on all animal life the same way. If you get a reward for something that you do, you're more likely to do it again and its more likely you'll do it more often than before the reward -- and you'll have better self esteem. If something you do is basically ignored, and if there aren't any rewards coming from someplace else, that behavior will be less likely to happen again. And, if you are punished or punish yourself for something you do, you may tend to do it less often and you will have less self esteem. And the added problem with punishment self-applied is that you have to be aware of what you did to punish yourself -- so you end up punishing awareness more than the thing you did that you want to punish. (People who engage in self-punishment tend to make themselves stupid over time because they're punishing self-awareness and self-awareness makes you smarter.) It makes sense to keep this in mind and watch to see if you are remembering to reward the little steps toward your goal, forgive the slowness, the set-backs and the mistakes. It makes sense not to ignore successes of any size. It makes sense not to punish yourself into stupidity. keep your eye on the ball Keep your mind's eye on the goal you have for yourself -- not on the things you don't like and want to change. As often as possible, throughout every day, think of yourself at your goal and assure yourself -- like the good boss you should be -- that your best will be fine, whatever time it will take will be okay, and that you'll work hard to reward yourself for every little step toward the goals. If you use hypnosis recordings (or other strategies like meditation, or prayer or inwardly spoken self-hypnosis), also do this just before your procedure. People tell me all the time that they prefer scare tactics to encouragement when it comes to themselves. They tell me they know better than to treat others that way but they always assure me they're sure a whip does better than honey when it comes to self-improvement. Maybe sometimes they're right, but they're usually telling me in my office because they've hired me to figure out what they're doing wrong. When we think of failure, our minds rehearse failing. As your mind imagines having certain abilities, a certain shape or a particular control or whatnot, your mental processes go through little rehearsals which -- like any other kind of rehearsal -- increase the likelihood of success. keep your eye on the ball, too Remember that whatever change you want to make, its probably because you believe it will make you happier to make that change. The goal -- the ultimate goal -- is happiness. If you do your best and ultimately can't achieve the entire goal you had hoped to achieve, does it make sense to punish yourself or condem yourself to unhappiness for failing? (Would you believe that many people, when attaining less success than they had hoped for, throw away the success they achieved to punish themselves for not attaining more?) just as you are: its not just a job, its an adventure Just as a husband who tells his over-weight wife that he likes her just as she is, is more likely to find himself with a slimmer wife in the long term -- compared to a husband that complains to his wife about her weight -- maybe if you try to like yourself more as you are, you will feel like doing things in a fashion that is more likely to foster changes that are in your long term best interest. If you haven't tried it, and other things haven't worked, ask yourself if you are really accepting where you are and accept your limitations. Ironically, it may help you get moving. If you want to get from Phoenix to Bangor, you pretty much need to accept that you're in Phoenix before you can figure out a route to your goal. You don't have to like Phoenix to be okay with starting there if that's where you are. On the other hand, if it turns out you are stuck in Phoenix, might it make sense to make the best of it? (No offense meant to Phoenix in any shape or form.) have a little faith Have faith in the God, Higher Power or whatever cosmic reality that you can believe in. Have faith that you were not made in error. You'll have to wait like the rest of us to actually find out -- if you ever do -- but for now, assume there is a purpose to life and that you are supposed to try to have as much control as you can get and that there is a Higher Purpose keeping you from doing more than you can do. It is both unproveable and undebunkable that there is a Purpose to life. But it helps soothe the sting of failures to believe that there is. If you have to know how something is going to work out, you pretty much need to trash it. Then you'll know. You can't know if something is going to work out well. For that, you need patience, faith, hope. Many a self-help effort goes down the tubes because of impatience. take a chill-pill, Phil Everybody wants what they want when they want it. Why not? But some things take more time than others. The issue of how fast one can make something happen -- self-improvement-wise -- is important. Many people dive into a self-help idea with everything they've got and find that they get discouraged or embroiled in overly-complicated difficulties or burned out before they get anywhere. Its a good idea to try to pace one's self -- being thoughtful, crafty and patient. It's better to be slow and methodical than pressured and fast. If it seems like there may be a lot of work to do, one might remind one's self that the harder the work is, the better it feels when a goal is accomplished. Also, if you don't take some time to monitor and acknowledge the little steps along the way, you not only whiz past part of your life without even feeling like you were there, but you also miss out on the little accomplishments. This actually slows down progress because little steps forward don't get noticed and rewarded. And, if the hardships part of the quest are whizzed by, it can diminish the quality of the accomplishment and how good it feels to accomplish it. One needs to pay one's dues. Telling yourself, "tough, you don't need that crap -- just get it done!" hardly ever makes things actually happen faster, frequently sabotages everything, and isn't something you'd do to a child or friend so it isn't something you should do to yourself. reversals and relapses are part of the package There is a tendency for old, well-used, well-practiced behaviors to slip back into play as soon as one decides that a change is in place and can be taken for granted. This is just a fact of life. What it means is that if you get a change to happen in how you do things or think about things, it will reverse itself when you're least likely to notice it and you'll be back to your old ways. Thus, the corresponding fact of life is that you need to get the change back into place as soon as possible, as soon as you notice. You need to keep doing this until the new changed behavior is actually a well-practiced, well-used behavior itself. New, improved well-practiced behaviors out-weigh old, unhelpful well-practiced behaviors, so you don't have to have the new behavior in place for as long as the old one was in place before relapsing slows way down. Its probably best to assume you'll relapse back to old ways less and less often but you'll probably never see the day that you're sure you won't ever slip up and go back to old ways again. This is just the way animal life is. People seem to complain about this little fact of life -- it may seem unfair or stupid, but it is what is. remember reward, rehearse/repeat, revise Reward little tiny steps toward goals -- reward good behavior. Think about it, recheck, revise if needed. Repeat. doing unto others Pretty much everything above about self-improvement is important to keep in mind when it comes to helping others improve themselves. The difference is that you're on the outside -- with less "control" and more objectivity. Sometimes you have more responsibility to do something about something than the child does. Sometimes you have less. When you have less responsibility than the child or his or her parents, most of your work will be on self-control. It hurts sometimes to not be able to do something, but when your choices are between living with something or making it worse, it should be a no-brainer. The best you can do is optimize attitude and potential by clearly assuring the child you believe in her/him. It may not seem like much, but you should know that most people who have survived really tough stuff in childhood report that they felt supported by someone in their environment. when it's your responsibility When it's your responsibility to be the steward of some young life -- and there is some problem that the two (or more) of you are working on -- there are some attitudes and strategies and some things you might want to be aware of that might increase the likelihood of success. 1. It helps to ask yourself if your child sees the problem as a problem. Sometimes it's a problem for Mom and a problem for Dad, and maybe Mom and Dad are sure it will be one day a problem for the child -- but the child doesn't have a problem with it now. Sometimes it's not really much of a problem for anyone but Mom or Dad. If you're working on a problem with your child, it helps if the problem is enough of a problem for your child that he or she wants to change it. It therefor helps to decide whether you want to make the problem more of a problem for your child, or just work on your own issues that make it seem a problem for you. 2. It helps to ask yourself how much of the problem is you. Things work better if you monitor and control your own self, too. 3. It helps to ask yourself what being successful (at dealing with your child's problem) will cost your child, your self and others in family and friendship circles. The more things you can identify and provide an substitutes for and alternatives to, the better. (For example, if night fears or bed wetting has resulted in long, close heart-to-heart talks with Mom or Dad, then Mom and Dad would be wise to make sure that success brings as many or more.) 4. It helps to have a plan that includes little rewards (i.e., stickers) for steps toward the goal and a bigger reward (i.e., a movie party, a sleep-over -- whatever is the usually thought of in your family as a nice reward) when things get accomplished. And then it helps to have a reasonably nice reward every now and then for sustaining change (i.e., a movie with a friend for 25 non-consecutive days of changed behavior). As described above, it's scary to change things and it's a lot of work. Little rewards for little improvements or accomplishments help keep changes going in the right direction and help sustain it. There should be rewards for parents, too. 5. It helps to have a plan that includes the gradual withdrawal of extra supports. It helps if you have an agreed upon plan that the supports are going to be withdrawn a little bit at a time. This works really well if there are rewards in the plan and if the reduction of supports is as fast as possible without causing reversals. 6. It helps to take responsibility for the changes. This is an importan tip: It helps to take responsibility for your child's changes being either made or not made. It works best because you want to be recognizing you have the most control, not your child. It helps keep frustration with your child at a minimum. We steward kids' lives till they're 18 because as a society we know we can't expect them to know how to control their own lives. You can certainly work with your child on the goals that you have, but it really seems to work best if one adopts the perspective that it's MOSTLY the responsibility of the parent if the child can't do it him- or herself. 7. It helps to be realistic, gentle and patient in setting goals. Setting unreasonable goals is a good way to rack up failures and waist many hours of valuable life time butting your head and the heads of others against walls. Age and individual differences create limits that don't print out on the forehead or flash red lights when crossed. For example, expecting a child with an under-developed bladder to be able to sleep the night through without wetting the bed might be unrealistic, as would expecting a child of nine to think like a 30 year old adult. Expecting a child to know and explain why he or she can't seem to do something or can't seem to stop doing something -- when most adults couldn't articulate the reasons behind their own behaviors and inabilities -- is unrealistic.  The head-cleaners hypnosis recordings should never be listened to under casual circumstances or circumstances that would require you to engage in only partially listening -- taking a walk, driving the car, being in some social situation. They should be listened to only when the listener seriously wants to actively experience hypnosis. If you're working with your child on some problem, make listening to the recording a litle ritual with a special time set aside and make it a rule not to listen to the tape or CD except when seriously working on the problem.
The head-cleaners hypnosis tapes & CDs should be listened to passively, not forcefully -- not trying to push your mind into some form of submission. They should be listened to with the goal in mind of positive growth, not crashing down barriers or destroying walls. The head-cleaners tapes and CDs are intended to cleanse and refresh, not push or pull or smash or burn. Do not try to utilize them for harsh, impatient, strong-arm purposes. If you're working with your child on some problem, assure your child he or she is just suppose to listen as carefully as it seems comfortable and that they might also notice when they think of other helpful things. It will help to explain that the tape/CD is hypnosis designed only to help strengthen self-control in a gentle, caring way.
The head-cleaners hypnosis tapes & CDsshould be listened to passively, not forcefully. The trick is to trust that you don't need to worry about hearing every word of the two separate voices speaking on the head-cleaners recordings. Listen as if you are overhearing two voices talking to themselves independently -- as if they are both meant for you to hear but also not necessarily hear. Pick one voice to listen to, switch to the other now and then, listen to neither and let your thoughts roam. The mind processes input in many ways and in many areas -- it's not necessary to consciously register the hearing of words for your mind to register and respond to them. (This is basically the idea behind what
are called "subliminal messages" -- messages that the mind processes without consciously being aware of noticing.) The head-cleaners recordings are not meant to be the same as subliminal message recordings but when you are listening to one side and sort of mentally tuning out the other, the side tuned out is subliminally processed.
When two voices seem too much.
Some people find that listening to two voices seems like too much work. An alternative is to simply tune out one channel electronically if there is a feature (usually a knob labeled "balance") for doing so on your tape/CD player. Either side of each tape or CD can pretty much stand alone as a monaural hypnosis tape/CD. You lose the possible extra subliminal effects, but some people find it disconcerting to try to listen to both sides or mentally tune one out. If your player doesn't have a knob to adjust balance, you can do this by simply moving one side of your headphones off one ear so you're only listening to one side.
The head-cleaners hypnosis tapes & CDs will be most effective if you do your best to adhere to all the ideas about optimizing self- improvement efforts described above. If you're working with your child on some problem, the same applies.
The head-cleaners hypnosis recordings will be most effective if you imagine as you listen that by some divine design, magic or incredible coincidence, the voices you hear are speaking specifically, particularly, precisely to you. If you're working with your child on a problem, it may help to suggest this in whatever way seems to fit with your use of imagination.
The head-cleaners hypnosis tapes & CDs will be most effective if you feel comfortable with them. If you are working with a therapist, you can have her or him contact us for transcripts of any recording you are using or considering using. If you are working with a child on some problem, it is recommended you listen to any head-cleaners recording before your child does -- and/or contact us for a transcript of the recording.
and... Decent headphones should be used. Always begin at the beginning of the recording, even if you've listened to it several times and you seem never to hear the end. Always try to make about an hour of quiet solitude available to listen to a head-cleaners recording, even though many times less is needed. Trust your conscious mind catch what seems catchable and let yourself wander down whatever mental paths the recordings seem to put you on.
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TAKE NOTE: In self-helping it's important to tell helpful from hurt. It's important to give yourself permission to consult a professional if you need one. Just as its important to get to a doctor if you're severely injured, and in borderline cases of injury it's better to waste the time it takes to go see a doctor than risk that you should have -- and just as one should not goof around with bandaids when an artery is gushing -- it's important to consult a psychologist,
psychiatrist or other counselor or physician -type professional if you believe you might, in fact, need one. Better safe and not sorry -- a stitch in time saves nine. If it turns out its a false alarm, the professional will tell you. You might take a look at the comments on finding a therapist for some tips.
Contribution made possible by Dr. Glenn Johnson PhD @ http://www.head-cleaners.com More Articles, Hypnosis CD's, Tapes, and MP3's are available through Dr. J's website |
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